I am at an interesting place right now. I don't know what I am feeling. I have a large amount of passion right now that I think I am not able to channel. I am getting a sense that I possible have taken too much ownership in something. I am starting to feel that I am fighting more than I should be. I am holding people to levels of living that I can not obtain. I am trying to give all I am for this one thing and I am starting to feel like I should not be. Maybe the problem is not the other people I look at, but myself. Maybe I can not accept that I might be called to more than some others who are close to me. I can not figure out what I am supposed to be doing. Some say I need down time to process what has been going on, but I don't think that is it. I feel this uncontrollable desire to run, but to where, and why? I want to figure this out. I am not coming to any happy conclusions. You probably think I am rambling. You are correct. I am trying to have a conversation with myself. For most of you who know me this will seem odd. I usually do not try to figure my things out. I usually just go on until they work themselves out. I feel like I can not this time. I feel an uneasiness, a restlessness in my spirit. I don't know.
The hard part for me is I am a leader. God has given me this for a reason, but for what? I am starting to feel like I am not able to lead in the small things. I want more inspiration, more wisdom as to what I am supposed to do. I am ending up with dead ends when I stick my neck out. Maybe the problems are related. I feel like I should be leading, but what? Where am I supposed to lead people?
The people I used to look up to have faded into the back seats of life. The people that have groomed me are gone. There is no one to look to but myself. They have set me free on this life adventure, but now what? Evidently I am strong enough now to figure this out. I hope I can listen to God enough to be able to get the message.
I wish I was not in the place, but it is not my call. I pray that God will help me sort all of this out. Thank you for listening to my thoughts. Let me know if you have any comments.
God Bless.
2 comments:
I understand what you are saying and feeling.
Know that this is a feeling that comes and goes with leaders. It's a cycle of leadership, because leaders often stay leaders as others move in and out, grow or don'r grow.
Most important is God knows what he's doing.
That may sould cheap and shallow, but when I have felt the way you are describing (and it has been many times) going back to this simple truth and holding tightly to it is the only thing that has kept me going for the next adventure, the next challenge and the next YEAH God moment in church ministry.
I'm sorry you feel as you do, and things are as they are. But never give up, you're needed, loved and highly valued by so many! Especially me and I know that at times I only add to these feelings.
second that motion about you being needed, loved and highly valued!
I watched the movie "signs" the other night(it was on TNT) and went back in my mind to Pastor Rich's series that included the clip...
" People break down into two groups when they experience something lucky. Group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. I'm sure the people in Group number two are looking at those fourteen lights in a very suspicious way. For them, the situation isn't fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they're on their own. And that fills them with fear. Yeah, there are those people. But there's a whole lot of people in the Group number one. When they see those fourteen lights, they're looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever's going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope. See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?"
I truly believe the sign is in all of us to continue and grow and be "spiritually challenged"...and I will simply continue to challenge you to see YOUR "sign."...you affable, lovable lug, you!!!;)
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